#I’m just so sad because idk she had like 4 days to do that

[jakegasm]

mistakes | lo'ak sully

genre: angst ♧ 

pairing: lo’ak sully x omatikaya!reader (mentions of neteyam and tsireya) 

word count: 2.5k

warnings: heartbreak, cheating (? idk why i put a question mark, there’s most definitely cheating involved 😂) 

brief info: upon moving to Awa’atlu the sully family agrees to have you tag along, you and lo’ak have been best friends for as long as you two can remember. Though to his parents it has been nothing but a friendly demeanor between the two of you, unknown to them that you and lo’ak have been in a secret relationship for quite some time now. While in Awa’atlu, lo’ak seems to be avoiding you more and more lately spending more time with tsireya than you, leaving you and your relationship entirely in the dust. 

playlist~ 

flowers: lauren spencer smith 

two places at once: haley joelle

Punchline: aidan martin

notes:  ‼️lo’ak and reader are 18‼️ 4 years later after the sully family moved to Awa’atlu

Neteyam is NOT dead, bby is still alive bc I said so 

//again this was barely proofread and its not my best bc i kinda rushed it T-T i still hope you all enjoy though! and please I do not hate tsireya she's a cinnamon roll I just needed to use someone and she fit perfectly T-T//

Syeha si mì ulte lonu: breathe in and release 

Mawey: calm

Rä'ä: do not

Skxawng: moron, idiot

The waves break around the rocks in the shallows, their foam crests becoming chaotic lace over the blue. You watch it swirl, mesmerized as if the movement of the water choreographs your thoughts. The crunching of the sand tearing you away from your thoughts, the space next to you now becoming occupied. You shifted your body away from them avoiding the inevitable conversation you two were to have. You felt him looking at you, his eyes burning into the side of your face. You were ignoring him and he knew it. He gently rocked his shoulder into yours in hopes of getting your attention, lucky for him it works. 

“Why are you here Neteyam?” 

“What? I cannot accompany a friend now?” 

Rolling your eyes, you set them back on the crashing waves in front of you. The waves swimming up to shore tickling your toes with the slightly cold water. 

“If you are looking for Lo’ak, he is with Tsireya.” Irritation hung in your voice, the male did not let this go unnoticed. Though he wanted to question it, he decided to ignore it. 

“So that is where he has been all these days…” His voice trailed out in thought. He noticed your body tensed up slightly at the comment, digging your head more into your knees that were pushed up against your chest. Your eyes prickled with tears but you blinked them away before he could notice them. But it was too late. He felt his chest tighten seeing your eyes glaze over in sadness as the setting sun reflected ever so perfectly on the tears that threaten to spill. Reaching out a hand he brushed away a tear that had managed to escape, his lips in a thin line. 

“My brother is a skxawng, he will realize what he will lose but until then…it will already be too late.” 

His words hit you like a brick. You didn’t want to wait for him to realize it because the more you waited the more you watched him fall for someone else. Scooting closer you nuzzled yourself into his side finding comfort in the warm embrace as his arms immediately wrap around you giving your shoulders a reassuring squeeze. You two stayed like that for some time as you wept in his arms, trying to make amends for your lover. That you were unfortunately losing. 

________________

“Neteyam I’m sorry!” You laughed running out of his marui pod, trying to make an escape from the consequences of your actions. 

“Oh no, you think I’d let you off the hook for that? No way!” The male chased you even quicker. Laughter erupted from your throat as your feet moved as quickly as possible to get away from him. You peeked over your shoulder to see he was gaining on you rather quickly, and the smile on your face widened even more. Your destination was his parents' Marui pod since you knew that’s where your safety resided, his mother would for sure protect you from him. You hastily jogged up to the pod trying to keep your balance and speed as the walkway wobbled a bit under your feet. You managed to make it to the pod’s opening before you felt hands clasp your waist holding you tightly against their chest, swinging you away from the pods' entrance. You wiggled in his grip while your joined laughter filled the pod while you gasped for air begging him to release you. 

“Neteyam put her down.” His mother spoke a smile resting on her face, his father appearing not too shortly behind his wife. 

“You heard what your mother said. Put her down boy.” 

Nodding he gently placed you back on the ground, but not before poking his tongue out at you, something he had learned from Kiri. You just giggled at the reaction turning towards his parents who held a look wanting either one of you to explain what was happening. 

“That’s one hell of a way to say Good Morning. Mind telling me what’s that about?” His father spoke, his tone demanding but not harsh. 

“y/n threw water on me while I was sleeping, sir.” Neteyam’s eyes sent you a quick threatening look only to receive a small laugh from you. 

“Yeah, that’s because you wouldn’t wake up after you PROMISED me that you’d take me fishing today.” You added in, earning yourself an eye roll from him. 

“So you throw water on me? May Ewya help you for what I will do when–”

“Good Morning.” Neteyams' threat was cut off by someone entering the pod. 

The wide smile on your face disappeared; just as quickly as your playful demeanor. He greeted his parents before sharing eye contact with you, your stomach now doing somersaults. He nodded at you as a greeting, not daring to give you a proper greeting. You felt small. So small. You were on the verge of nausea as you watched him avoid all sorts of contact with you. 

“Lo’ak don’t be rude, speak to y/n.” His mother softly smacked him on the back of his shoulder earning her a low hiss from the male.

“Good morning…y/n.” His eyes stayed fixated on something that wasn’t you, annoyance radiating off of him. 

“Good morning lo’ak…Um, Neteyam?” Neteyam was quick to make contact with you, your eyes pleading with him to leave. Quickly he wrapped an arm around your shoulder and swiftly turned you away from the others to avoid them seeing the tears that were now falling so freely while you bit your lip so hard trying your best to stop them. 

“We will be back before eclipse. I promise.” He swore to his parents nodding at them and smiling, but not before he shot his brother a deadly glare, only to see his brother already held one against him. Wiping his head back around he guided you out of the pod making sure to keep your head down as he whispered sweet reassuring words to you along the way. 

__________________

“Syeha si ulte….lonu.”  The arrow flew from your bow grazing your fingertips lightly during the release, only for you to miss your target…again. Whining you turned your head to Neteyam who was trying very hard not to laugh at your failure. 

“Laugh it up while you can, mighty warrior.” Your tongue poked out at him tauntingly after “warrior”, though he cleared his throat his smile never left his face when he approached you. He stood behind you turning your body so your back lay against his chest, his hands guiding your arms back into your shooting stance. 

“Your arms should be straight, or you’ll miss your target again.” His hands held underneath your arms gently smoothing over the skin underneath them before pushing them upwards. “Take a deep breath and hold it. It must come from your stomach or it will not work.” Bringing his other hand down he gently pushed on your stomach causing your body to tense up immediately, you found yourself holding your breath for another reason. 

“Mawey, your heartbeat is fast. No wonder you cannot catch any fish.” He joked, his breath hitting the shell of your ear due to the close proximity you two were in. Shaking your head you tried to distract yourself from how close you two were. Straightening your posture, you sucked in a deep breath making sure to hold it in just as instructed locking eyes on your wiggling target and–

“Ahem.” Someone cleared their throat halting your motion. You both turn your head towards the person responsible for the noise, only to be met by the one person you didn’t want to speak to but also a person you yearned deeply for. 

“Sorry for uh… disrupting you two but can I talk to y/n?” Lo’ak watched as Neteyam refused to take a step away from you making him bite the inside of his cheek in annoyance.

“Alone.” 

The older brother never moved from your side, his body now shielding you in a way. The tension in the air felt thick, so thick not even a knife would be able to pierce it. You placed your hand on his arm giving it a squeeze to grab his attention, “Neteyam.” Your voice soft, his head turning down towards you his eyes immediately softening almost as if they were pleading with you. 

“I’ll be fine.” You tried your best to give him a smile, just enough for him to let you go. It was obvious your smile didn’t convince him, huffing his mouth turned into a thin line before nodding at you moving further to the opposite side to let you go. You nodded at him once more before following behind a rather fuming lo’ak. 

_______________________

“Lo’ak!” 

The boy ignored you as he walked fast in front of you slapping things out of his as he passed them. You tried your hardest to keep up but there was no way your speed equaled anything to his big long strides. Jogging a little you gained a bit of closeness to him his hand just in reach for you to grab. 

“Lo’ak wait–”

“What?!” He snapped at you angrily turning towards you. You felt like a turtle going back into its shell with his tone. A tone he has never used with you. 

“I just wanted you to slow down, you’re walking too fast.” Your voice sounded so little making his ears flick downwards. 

“Where are we going anyway?” 

“Our usual spot…We need to talk–about us.” A familiar ache started to churn in your stomach at these words. Your thoughts become jumbled up in your mind of all the possible outcomes of this conversation. 

Was he finally going to tell others of your relationship?

Or…

Did he finally want to call it quits? 

Mindlessly you followed him deeper into the closed-in cave area, the familiar scenery coming into your view not too long after you both decided to keep walking. You looked into the glowing water smiling faintly at the glimmering goldfish that rushed to the surface upon your arrival, seeming excited to see you again. You almost bumped into the back of lo’ak not realizing he had stopped moments ago, you stared confusingly at his back before his voice caught your attention. 

“What were you and brother doing before I arrived?” You blinked at him confusingly. Turning his body fully towards you now, his face completely ruined by the anger that he was trying so desperately to keep inside. The confusion on your face seemed to anger him more than he already was causing him to roll his eyes at you. 

“You and my brother. You’re way too close to be “just friends”, every time I see you two your both so close to each other!” 

You and Neteyam were friends. That was it. There were no romantic feelings involved once so ever whenever you two conversed. At least that’s how you saw it on your end. 

“If you are asking if I and neteyam ever did anything with each other the answer is no.” You were starting to take offense to the accusations he kept spuing out at you, rendering you into irritation at the boy. 

“Really? Because that’s so hard to believe when I see his hands all over you a few moments ago. And from the looks of it, you weren’t moving them any time soon!” 

“He was teaching me how to fish!” 

“Why him? You could’ve asked me. Me! Your boyfriend!” 

“Well, I can’t ask my boyfriend if he’s never around when I need him!” 

You didn’t notice that your breathing had started to pick up or even notice how the image of him standing in front of you became blurry from the water that swelled up in your eyes. 

“Or when he’s not with tsireya showing her all the things that you showed me!  Or–or ditching our plans for tsireya because she wants to go look at the stars with you!” The gentle wind from a small opening in the cave blew past your face making you feel the coldness from the tears that now overflowed from your eyes. 

“It’s always tsireya, tsireya, tsireya! Never me! I’m never your first choice anymore.” Your chest heaved up and down rapidly as your feelings felt like they were oozing out of you, your mouth just could not stop projecting all the feelings you had bottled up for so long. 

“Neteyam has been there for me when you weren’t. Night after night, day after day, HE has always been there. Not you lo’ak. And guess what? He’s cleaning up the mess you made…AGAIN.” Your last words held so much power, you knew those words were going to sting but, you needed him to hear them. Hear how much pain he has caused because of his absence. Hear what a mess he’s made of you. The scenarios of them interacting start to flood your mind, the acts of kindness and love the two radiated gave off a familiar feeling that you two once shared. You swallowed your fear down as a fearful question bubbled up in your throat. 

“Have–have you two done anything?” 

Silence. All you were met with was silence. But this was all you needed to finally make sense of his recurring disappearances. Your face scrunched up in disgust, your tears now producing more than they have ever before. 

“I knew it…” Swiftly you turned away from him almost jogging your way out of the small hideaway area, ignoring his calls out to you. You didn’t want to hear a thing he had to say anymore, his silence spoke loudly for him already. 

“y/n, listen to m-” His hand caught your wrist trying his best to make you look at him, instead you jerked your arm away from his grip harshly. 

“Rä'ä!” The anger in your voice shook him, you never raised your voice at him, though he knew he deserved this. He made a mistake and he needed you to understand that. 

“You do not get to touch me anymore. You do not even need to think about me anymore.”

His ears dropped dramatically, his tail hiding in between his legs. It was now his turn to breathe heavily, his brain not wanting to believe the words you were throwing at him. 

“Please, just let me explain what happ-”

“You have explained enough lo’ak. Now go, go before tsireya starts wondering about your whereabouts.” You turned away from him only to be stopped by him once more. 

“I don’t care about tsireya right now! Dammit just listen to me!” His voice shook massively, his eyes pleading desperately at you almost making you push your hurt and anger to the side and wrap him back in your arms that you wanted him back desperately in. Almost. 

“Goodbye lo’ak.” You took your arm away from his hold once again ignoring his pleas for you to come back. Your heart ached hearing how desperate he sounded for you, though you needed him to learn. You needed him to learn that someone’s heart is not something to gamble with. 

He needed to learn from all the mistakes he made.

[hyperfixated-fan]

Here is some of those wonderfully nostalgic girly-girl shows in vague order in which I watched/discovered them that no one asked for but I’m giving to you anyways.

1. First up, we’ve got the Horseland

Back in the day, I was a major horse girl (a part of me still is), but this show was so awesome and adorable. It’s just a bunch of gals riding their horses and hanging out at the barn. And their horses and other animals talk amongst themselves. It is all an animal lover like me could want. It’s just so cute and gives sweet life lessons. And occasionally, I found it interesting that they do touch upon some serious topics such as eating disorders and loss. The episode “Mosey” always makes me cry. All the episodes are on YouTube.

Overall, I have to say my favorite character is Alma Rodriguez.

2. LEGO Friends

The first generation of LEGO Friends is nostalgic, but I also seriously love the LEGO Friends: Girls on a Mission. It’s just a bunch of teenage girls getting up to shenanigans and being besties (Oddly, though they are high school age, we barely see them in school XD). I particularly enjoy Girls on a Mission (the episodes are on YouTube) because the episodes were so well put together and it fleshes out each girl a bit more uniquely. It’s a genuinely fun show though I generally am partial to LEGO shows. I am personally not a fan of latest generation of LEGO Friends. I’ve watched a few episodes and it’s just blegh. It might be the nostalgia talking but I just can’t get into it.

My fave character has always been Emma (she’s so adorable) and my fave ship is Emma x Ethan in the Girls on a Mission iteration.

3. Barbie Movies

Not sure if all the movies are pictured above, but there’s a good portion of them. I admit, I haven’t seen all of the Barbie movies (especially the good old classics mainly due to animation that did not age well so sorry) and did not really become a fan until later than most little girls. However, I still find the movies to be very enjoyable and cute. I think a lot of my affinity comes from many familiar Canadian voice actors being in most of the movies and I find it fun trying to pick out familiar voices.

A few of my personal favorite movies are “Princess Charm School” (it’s the first Barbie movie I ever watched with one of my best friends), “The Twelve Dancing Princesses” (so many voices and characters to listen to and try and remember), and “Mariposa” (I am rather partial to the voice of Chiara Zanni and loved her playing Barbie).

4. Ever After High

It is so sad that Ever After High ended after Epic Winter. I really wish we got to see more. I loved the imaginative twist on fairytale characters and the whole “facing your destiny” storyline. The princesses, knights, dragons, and wonderland were all great components as a lover of fantasy. Disney Descendants ain’t got nothing on Ever After. It was a very creative show and it was interesting to see all the characters that would pop up.

A few of my favorite characters are Rosabella Beauty, Ginger Breadhouse, and Lizzie Hearts. Call me basic but I really do like the ship Darabella (obviously the execution of it could’ve been better but I still like it.)

5. Miraculous Ladybug

Simply put, this show is a mess. Miraculous Ladybug barely made the list only because I have fond memories of it. I’m not caught up on any recent events and admittedly quit watching it after season 3 or 4 (I don’t exactly remember). The show had potential and many amazing fanworks, but after a while, the episodes just get repetitive. I still like the earlier seasons before things got too messy. As a lover of side characters, I also wish they fleshed out the side characters a bit more instead of keeping on creating more and more side characters. I still occasionally pop in to see what is going on and apparently Nathalie is dead?! Idk what’s going on and I love looking at spoilers with no context because it makes the show all the more funny.

My fave character list includes Alya Césaire, Nathalie Sancoeur, and Juleka Couffaine and I’m partial to the ship DJWifi.

6. Monster High

Since I was a fan of Ever After High, it was only inevitable that I would eventually become a fan of Monster High. It took a while but I eventually did fall in love with the show. And I fell hard. All the characters are so unique and while I absolutely love all the generation 1 content, I do not completely hate the g3 series. I loved the message of standing out yet belonging at Monster High, freaky flaws and all. The animation is very dated yet endearingly nostalgic at the same time. I love all the different twists on various monster creatures.

My favorite characters list gets pretty extensive, as I love g1 and g3 Abbey Bominable (I always love an ice queen), along with g1/g3 Cleo De Nile (bc she’s your typical mean girl/diva but truly cares for her friends), Robecca Steam (her steampunk aesthetic and little accent are adorable), Deuce Gorgon (a kind yet popular jockish character is rare), Jinafire Long (Chinese dragon is always a win), and Rochelle Goyle (she’s just neat).

Fave ships = Cleuce (CleoxDeuce) and AbbeyxHeath. I just love them okay!

7. Lolirock

I believe I discovered this show coming off of Storm Hawks and Steven Universe so the crystal motif and everything was already an intriguing concept for me (plus familiar Canadian voice actors drew me in). I just love the trio of girls trying to “secretly” protect earth with sparkles and spells while putting up the front of being a girl band (the songs are very catchy by the way if you can get past an ungodly amount of auto tune). The episodes gave me vibes similar to Miraculous Ladybug but somewhat better with less convoluted characters. Overall, it’s a very bright energetic show and I wish they would’ve delved into the backstories of the other princesses a bit more instead of focusing on Iris all the time. Here’s to hoping they eventually do come out with season 3. All the current episodes are on YouTube.

My favorite characters are the sisters Izira and Talia. They have so much power and the show needs to actually do them justice.

8. Mysticons

This one is definitely lesser known than most on this list. I found it shortly after LoliRock since it has similar features and characters. It’s a very simple show with simple characters but I am fond of it still (and I’m pretty sure it made me cry at one point. I don’t remember when but I remember something about it made me emotional). The fantasy magic of the world was definitely a big win for me. I think the creators did a decent job at world building. It’s your typical prophesied heroes must save the world from certain destruction but I found the show overall enjoyable and cute with a nice dose of found family thrown in.

My top favorite characters are Zarya Moonwolf and Emerald Goldenbraid.

9. DC Super Hero Girls

I started out as a G1 fan when it was still coming out and became a fan of the reboot as well. It was interesting to all these wonderful kickbutt superheroes placed in a high school -esque setting. The original series was very average with their shorts but it was such fun to see what characters would pop up to help (I even will tolerate and enjoy the LEGO specials). The reboot had better design and animation. I am sad it didn’t get a chance to run longer. My only qualm was that some characters had such a drastic change from their backstory and original character development that it moved from being whimsical and imaginative to simply keeping the name and having an entirely different character. *cough* Jessica *cough* They don’t get that she was such a powerful Green Lantern because she was bold but because most of the time she was scared out of mind due to her past trauma but still acted and pushed through the fear to save people.

Rant aside, my fave character is Jessica Cruz despite the reboot overhauling her character and erasing her backstory.

10. She-Ra and the Princesses of Power

Not necessarily my favorite glittery girly series I’ve watched but definitely an enjoyable series. True to my usual form, I unfortunately did not end up caring for most of the main plot and characters. However, the idea of this show was fun nonetheless and it had its nice moments, so I’m glad it got a decent number of seasons. The magic, weaponry, and elemental powers drew me to this show. I wish they delved a bit deeper into the true effects and trauma that fighting a war would have on all of the characters as they are leaders of their respective kingdoms.

My favorite characters include Entrapta (little nerdy characters are almost always a win for me), Mermista (Vella Lovell was perfect for voicing her and her character design is nice), Netossa (another awesome blue character; if anyone’s seen Six: The Musical, does she vaguely remind you of Catherine Parr?)

Bonus: Rainbow High

An interesting premise though it ultimately falls flat for me because I am not a fashion-oriented person in the slightest. However, I still like the show and all the drama that comes with it. I just overall find it hilarious to watch the squabbles that happen because everyone is just so high strung. (Why do all the guy characters literally look the exact same with that same stupid little hairstyle?) XD

Fave characters are Ainsley Slater and Jade Hunter.

Bonus: God’s School

Greek mythology! Need I say more? This is such an imaginative show. It is even more amazing considering one guy does all the animation. The webisodes that are out are great and I definitely recommend watching them on YouTube. Zeus looks like Disney Hercules and I find that hilarious. All the character designs for the gods are so awesome and I love the details that help indicate who they are. Ignore the fact that over half of them are related in some form or another and everything is fine.

Fave definitely has to be Athena! (…bad*** in the arena. Unmatched witty and queen of the best strategies we’ve seen.)

Bonus: Tinkerbell

These are just cute adventures. I wish the series could’ve continued so we could’ve gotten movies highlighting each of the fairies.

My fave is Silvermist.

Bonus: Steven Universe

I personally enjoyed this show and know it had a large fan base so I don’t get why so many people are going back and hating on it so fervently. It’s a flawed show like any but it still has it fine points and I have a soft spot for it. I heavily debated on whether this qualified for a magical girl show but I think it does. It’s nice seeing Steven grow alongside the gems and it’s a good show to put on in the background.

My favorites have to be Garnet and Sapphire.

Honorable mentions that I never fully watched but seem nice:

My Little Pony - I’m disappointed in myself for never getting into this show because it has all the right points for me to like it, including great Canadian voice actors and magic and ponies. I have watched some episodes and enjoyed them but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sit through and binge the entire show.

LEGO Elves - watched some but I never got truly immersed.

Totally Spies! - never really gave it a go but it seems okay.

Winx Club - I tried to like it but the characters just didn’t hit for me.

W.I.T.C.H. - watched the first few episodes but nothing made me want to continue.

[paopaupaus]

part 8 of the Buddie Development Rant

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10

S4:E4 9-1-1, What’s your grievance?

i’m sorry but the scene where Buck is punching the punching bag and Eddie is right beside it is kindaaa…

S4:E5 Buck begins

One thing that i can take away from Eddie and Buck’s interactions, especially in this episode, is that they understand each other like no one else. Eddie tells Buck that he knew why he had to go into that fire, and something in his eyes makes me think that Buck felt like he didn’t have to explain anything to Eddie

S4:E6 Jinxed

bonus: did anyone notice all the women checking out Buck at 13:56 😂

and then Buck looking angry/confused when eddie said he had a date with Anna

S4:E7 There Goes the Neighborhood

why did Buck have to go on a date with the most annoying woman ever, i think it was weird timing with Eddie starting to date again.

And then they decide to keep her as Albert’s gf, but all of her traits are gone now? i felt like they introduced an anarchist and pessimist and then she starts dating Albert and it all goes away? plot device smh

S4:E8 Breaking Point

Buck babysitting Christopher while Eddie’s out on his date :”) and when he’s home Buck asks how did the date go and Eddie tells him “she taught me math” and he wasn’t lying??

S4:E12 Treasure Hunt

Eddie heard treasure hunt and immediately told buck we’d make a good team :) it was cute seeing them running around trying to find it, although Eddie did look sad when he found out Buck had already partnered with Taylor :(

S4:E13 Suspicion

Carla talks to Eddie and tells him that he needs to listen to his heart and not only to what Christopher needs.

At the end of the episode Eddie is shot, right in front of Buck, the world literally stopped and they looked into each other’s eyes. 😭 then when they are both on the ground Eddie reaches out with his hand to Buck. and it is said that Oliver (Buck’s actor) got their silouette tattooed after filming :”)

S4:E14 Survivors

ooohh my god. following the gunshot Buck pulls Eddie out of the middle of the streets and then carries him to get him in the truck (hot? 😃) in the truck Buck is tending to Eddie (is it a bad time to say that i love how Buck’s voice gets all high and pitchy when he’s freaked out?)

Buck “hey hey i got you, hey just… you just stay with me okay?” looking into his eyes 😭✋

Eddie “are you hurt?” (cause Buck was covered in his blood) honey you’re bleeding how can you focus on Buck (no but also let’s never forget Eddie is a BAMF who also pulled out a convoy from open fire in the war)

Buck “i need you to hang on” x2

Buck is COMPLETELY out of it shaking so much, but still all he wants to do is go with Christopher and be with him.

when he gets the news that Eddie is out of surgery he breaks down crying. guys idk about you but this doesn’t seem like simply just a friendship.

Anna calls Buck to tell him that Eddie woke up, first of all he makes sure Eddie makes a facetime call with Christopher.

Eddie “appreciate you staying with him”

Buck thought Chris should stay somewhere he knew, because carla offered to take him to her house.

Eddie “you were there for him when i couldn’t, that’s what matters.”

i love these two together, they aren’t just a bromance, they jumped straight to functional family.

Eddie babytrapped Bick, he made him Christopher’s godfather 😭 also i don’t see the big deal? a lot of people have said that it was wrong for Eddie to do that but Buck would 100% be up for the job and he already has a village that could help

“no one will ever fight as hard for my son as you”

i think this is the first time Eddie calls him Evan and it is so cute 😩

“because 😒 Evan 🙄 you came in here the other day and you said you thought it would have been better if it had been you who was shot😠”

with this we finish season 4 🫶 i’m glad i got addicted to this show because there’s so much contect and i love every single character, hope you have a great day/night and feel free to comment so we can chat!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for leaving a friend hangout?

So me (14 genderfluid) and a friend (15 ?) were supposed to hang out in town today (it’s 30th August at the moment of writing this). I was going to take the bus into town to go to an event sort of thing and had a couple of hours to spare before this, so we decided that we would take the bus directly after school to go hang out. We had had a hangout planned a few weeks earlier but I couldn’t get a ride to the place in question on Saturday and they couldn’t do it on Sunday so we decided to try another time.

The whole school day today was really bad. I’m currently getting bullied quite a lot and this has caused intense discomfort and anxiety around being in school as well as meeting other people from my school outside of it. While this day in particular wasn’t too bad (little to no mocking, harassment, barking at etc) I still had a lot of anxiety throughout the whole day, probably amplified by sleeping badly and not eating much for lunch. I felt like shit the whole day. The bus ride also made me anxious. The thought that I could meet my bullies on the bus and have nowhere to go and no teacher to help me terrified me.

So, school ends and I go to wait for the bus. I meet my friend there, but they are with some other people, one whom I know from before and a few I don’t know, that I don’t even know the names of. This was a bit concerning to me. I can be pretty social if I put my mind to it, but school and the bullying has really made me nervous about interacting with people my age. On top of that, the unknown people seem to be the kind of people giving me dirty looks. Not outright bullying, but clear distaste. Oh well, I thought, maybe they won’t even hang out with us? And they seemed to be disinterested in me and my existence. Not a hello, just a quick glance and that’s it.

That also put me a bit on edge. I’ve had experiences with hanging out with friends who bring their other friends and said other friends just completely ignore me. They don’t speak to me, don’t acknowledge anything I say, they don’t introduce themselves, nothing. This isn’t really fun, and it usually kinda ruins everything for me. It reminds me of parts of the bullying, when people just pretend I don’t exist.

So I was a bit worried, but managed to board the bus with little to no issues. I didn’t sit with any of my friends because the bus was too full, but I heard them talking to each other behind me.

We get off the bus and yeah it is very clear that we’re hanging out together. And it’s maybe like two people I don’t know, and a few I do know but I wasn’t told would be coming. Personally, I really don’t like when I’m not informed of everyone who’s coming along. This is especially bad with people I don’t know.

I decided to try to push through my unwillingness and tiredness and rampant anxiety. But first I had to text my mom. We made a deal that I would text her when I got to town to make sure it was ok. I had no mobile data, so I had to go to the library to try and get some internet. The friend told me that we should split up and meet up later, so that’s what they did. They went somewhere and I would just quickly run in to send a text to my mom.

But due to various issues I couldn’t send a message. Something with the internet connection idk. I got really worried that she would get worried and have no way of contacting me. After trying for a while I gave up and decided to go find my friends, maybe they could share their internet with me or something.

I couldn’t find them. Our town is very small but I couldn’t find them at any of the regular spots and I had no way of contacting them. I eventually gave up. I was sad, tired, hungry and very very anxious, and the day was going to shit. At that moment I really just wanted to go home.

I decided to call my mom and get her to pick me up. I felt bad for leaving my friends but there was no way I could handle staying in town for another 4-5 hours. I did lie to her and said I was having a stomach ache and that I was feeling ill. Mom agreed to pick me up.

Right when me and my mom were heading to the car I spotted my friends. I went to them and told them that I was feeling sick and I was going home. They just walked right past me with little to acknowledge of what I said.

I went home and I’m feeling better emotionally, sort of. I feel bad for lying and saying I was feeling sick, but I don’t know if I would have been taken seriously if I just said “I’m aggressively anxious and tired and starving and every other sound that reminds me of my bullies makes me lightheaded with fear”. I feel bad for leaving them but at that moment I felt like I was gonna cry if I didn’t get to go home. I don’t know if what I did was right.

Aita?

What are these acronyms?

[velvette3]

Draft #2

WARNINGS: long post, rant post, mentions of sh and suicide, and a lot of other things, personal rant(s), LIKE REALLY LONG POST, please do not read unless you think you are comfortable with repetition, and idk what else. I am a warning in itself.

(4/2/24) (mentions of sh and suicide)

It’s 1:38 in the morning. I don’t really know anymore. I’m just so worried I won’t amount to anything. My stepsister has always been better than me at everything. I still remember my middle school and high school years when I heard my mother and step-father talking shit about their kids, about my step-brothers. But I hardly ever heard them utter a bad word about my step-sister. I became something I didn’t want to be in my high school years, in hopes I could live up to my sister, hoping maybe it would make sure I wasn’t the next kid they talked shit about.

I already knew at the time that they didn’t really take me seriously back then. Not when it came to my morals anyways.

At times when one or the other was driving, I would have to text the other. And that was when visiting my father was mandatory. So every once in awhile, the message would pop up “you pick up the brat yet?”

I know they never meant it in that way. At least I hoped not. But honestly being someone I wasn’t, and being someone I’m not still, to this day, it sucks. I hate having to pretend to my parents, even to this day, despite my independence. I’m just so worried about acceptance, that I find it hard to face them. I fear telling my parents (on both sides) anything.

Mainly, because when they first found out about the self harm in middle school, it was a difficult situation. They said they wanted to help me. And then they took me to a therapist for a total of three-five times before they said ‘this isn’t working fast enough’ and pulled me out of it. I was always scared of being yelled at when I made mistakes. That lead to me fearing ever telling my parents anything, including my own emotions.

For a long time, once I finally lived with my mother again, I never saw her cry. I only ever saw her angry, or happy. But I never saw her sad. That made me think that being sad wasn’t normal, or that, I shouldn’t be sad about anything because she wasn’t. The reason she hid any of her sadness was because she didn’t want her own child worrying about her.

But her hiding her own emotions from me made me feel like I had to suppress mine as well. So I never trusted my parents with my emotions, either.

But I guess it didn’t help that they always said I was either ‘overreacting’ or just being a ‘drama queen’. Go this day idk if they were right, or if they were just, avoiding it.

I don’t know which one I’d want it to be. Because if they were wrong, and that my emotions were actually valid, what would that mean for me? For them? Would it make it seem like they had neglected my own emotional and mental well-being? If they were wrong, if they thought because of my overreacting and drama queen the fancies that my emotions weren’t valid, then what is the limit to validate emotions? What would it have taken for them to stop accusing me of overreacting or being a drama queen?

They never made me feel valid. They still don’t. The only good throng I’ve done so far with my life, is get good grades. It’s been so long since I heard one of my parents (step or not) say they were proud of me, so when they got the letter in the mail about my good grades in online schooling, when that happened and they said they were proud, I almost cried.

It’s strange.

For a long time back in middle school-high school, I desperately wanted to die. I didn’t want to live in a world where everyone would judge me for my smallest of mistakes and ignore my feats.

I knew that, being the youngest, I was my parents last chance to have a child they were proud of. Everyone else but my stepsister had failed to be a kid that my parents were proud of (or at least didn’t talk shit about). I knew that if I didn’t want to be talked shit about, I’d either have to leave, or change.

I was so done, with the world. I hated myself for my failures, I hated the way I had been raised. But I also hated myself, because I had no reason to. Im not living on the streets, I have a family, I have food, I had shelter. I shouldn’t have been sad. “It couldve been worse”, as the mentality goes. I didn’t deserve to be sad, and it made me feel worse. I felt like all I was doing was trying to gain attention, even though that’s not what I wanted. I thought I was being selfish because of my own emotions, and it still gets fucked in my head sometimes.

Back in my freshman year of high school, a girl (which for the sake of her identity and name I will not be naming), had hung herself in her closet. Rumor was because she was having problems at home.

Way back in middle school, even. A girl in my 8th grade year tried to kill herself. She planned it all out. She wanted to hang herself in the bathroom, and if she couldn’t do that, she had some sort of sharp object to try and slit her throat. She couldn’t hang herself, and she cut her throat, barely enough to bleed. It was not deep or long enough to kill her, only to sting. When her parents saw the injury on her neck, she got in trouble for it, and was threatened to sent to a mental hospital, with padded walls.*

I knew both those girls, in a sense. And I knew that the one from high school had it worse than I did. I felt shitty. I felt like I had no reason to be sad.

Like I had no validation, because I wasn’t supposed to show that much emotion in front of others, because what I learned from my mother without her knowing, was to surppress the sadness. I want to amount to something, I want to be something my family can be proud of. I don’t want to be the next disgrace, I don’t want to be the person without control of her emotions. I don’t want to become a failure because I lost, or because I couldn’t do what I needed to do.

4/5/2024

Time is going by so quick, it’s killing me. Just today with my grandmother. I went to stay with my father for the weekend, so I’m going back to her house Sunday night to spend the eclipse with her. But as she left the house which I’m staying with my father and his girlfriend, I feared ‘what if this is the last time I see her?’

She is less than 20 years younger than my GREAT grandmother who died only a few months ago.

I love this grandmother with all my heart (I’ll call her grandma J from now on), and I’d hate to see her die, at all. I’m literally going to see her on Sunday, only two days from now, why am I worrying so much? Why did I wonder if it would be the last time I see her?

I’m so scared. I’d be lost without her, she has been my rock for a long time. Even though she is heavily Christian, and I don’t feel as connected, I always feel better after spending some time with her, (whether we speak of God or not). I grew up, spending every other weekend with her instead of my father, because he wasn’t able to take care of me where he lived for a long time. I lived with Angela (another grandmother of mine who I HATE) for the first seven years of my life. Spending every other weekend with my Mother, and the weekends I didn’t spend with my mom, I spent with Grandma J. Things have changed heavily since then, I barely remember that time in my life.

But my grandma J. She means everything to me. I always leave her house happier than when I left it. No one else does that for me.

I’m so, so fucking TERRIFIED, of who I’ll be, where I’ll be mentally, when she’s gone.

I’m so so scared…

(4/8/2024)

It’s 12:41, so technically eclipse day. Had a serious talk w my grandmother. I told her I was Ace, (not the pan-romantic part, but yk) and she was pretty okay w it. Especially when I told her I wasn’t gonna have children of my own creation (I might adopt, cause I wanna make a home to those kids who don’t have one yk?) and I just got really emotional. It doesn’t matter how many times I fucking say it, I am so scared to lose her. I cried, thinking this may be the last time I see her. You never know. She almost got hit on her way to see me on Thursday last week! I know she might be gone soon and I am not ready for it. It may be a last time for everything, and I’m so so so fucking scared words can’t even describe it. Not through type/text. If I were recording myself, you’d hear my ugly crying, and my voice in general breaking so no. But the point is, I dunno what’s gonna happen. My future, and hers, scares me to death. When she’s gone… I may as well be too.

So if I disappear for a long time, you will know why.

If I go batshit crazy (whether it’s lashing out, or self-isolation, or pretending to be fine [ya know, the stages of grief]) you know why.

This woman is one of my few rocks. My grandmother, and my eldest blood brother, who I shall call ‘E’ for the sake of keeping their identities secret.

I, don’t know what’ll happen to me once either of them are gone. Same with my parents, but I trust my brother and grandmother more than I do them, so it will be harder to lose them, as much as it may seem crazy to say.

I’m scared. I know I keep saying it, but every day I spend, is another closer to my grandmother’s inevitable death. I hate the thought, yet it keeps coming back since my GREAT grandmother died a few months ago. It’s not fun.

I hate feeling this terrified.

I feel paralyzed, like a record skipping, the never ending thought(s).

It’s horrible.

(4/12/24) 12:43 am

I don’t think I’m good enough.

I keep failing myself and others, over and over again. I want to help people, but it’s so fucking frustrating when they won’t accept it. I get it, sometimes it’s hard to accept help. But (per specific example) when I’m asked for help for the smallest of things like understanding some work, and you apologize a million times, it hurts. I hate seeing people I care about apologizing. I don’t know how to help them because they refuse to let me do so. I just, feel like I’m failing them. I can’t help them and it makes me feel like shit.

I wanna help people. At this point, the people I care about, and my drive to help them always, is the only reason I’m alive. The past few years since I last therapied someone, have been shitty. I hadn’t been able to help others and it just went by so fast, and almost without any emotion. It was awful, I felt lost. I lost my will to write, read, and draw. I lost everything about myself. When I picked up drawing again I cried because I thought I lost what little talent I had because it was shit at first. I don’t even know who I am. Am I even who I used to be, or am I a carbon copy of my successful step-sister?

I forced myself to change in high-school so my parents would be proud of me, so that I would be successful.

So I wouldn’t struggle in my future, so I could get a scholarship to college so I wouldn’t be drowning in debt like my mother was most of my life.

I just wanted a steady life. And one without the shit talk my parents would do behind their kids’s backs.

Fuck I’m so tired of it.

I feel so useless damnit. I feel worthless. I don’t want to be here anymore, I just want peace. Because these thoughts, these voice keep coming back no matter what. Telling me I’m not good enough, that I don’t try hard enough and that I’m too lazy, that I make up excuses. But when I try to say I did try, they always say I didn’t push myself enough. I dunno, do I not try hard enough? I dunno. I’m just so sick of this endless battle and I want it to be done. One day I want those people to realize it was an act. I want my parents to realize that they fucked me up. That they put too much expectation on me without their own realization. I want them to know that the therapy they took from me only made it worse. Then being upset over one singular missing assignment (that we’re hardly ever my fault) only made it worse. That threatening to put me in an asylum at the age of 13 only made it worse. That talking shit about my step-siblings right in front of me only made my fear worse. That hiding their emotions from me only made it worse. Cause god fucking damnit I’m scared of you now! I’m scared to come to you for anything! I have to contact my brother, or my grandmother! And one day I might not even have them! You say I can trust you with anything but then you turn around and call me a drama queen, that I’m being too sensitive, that I’m overreacting, making up excuses, being a liar, just being lazy, not trying as hard as you know I can, stop making things a competition.

God damnit, what am I even doing? I’m nothing, nothing but a failure. I should be trying harder but here I am, still being lazy. And I’m just blaming everyone for it when it’s all my fault.

(4/13/24)

^i didn’t move on to someone else four days later. Just because me and my bf were friends didn’t mean we were together. And I never, EVER cheated on her. Sure, I found someone new and he’s my bf now, but at the same time me and her, we both realized we were never romantic with each other. And I broke up with her? She was the one who approached me and said that she felt like her feelings for me weren’t being returned (which was true, I realized. We called each other girlfriends but I felt like she was nothing more to a friend to me) and I thought she was okay with it. Mind you when she came up to me I thought she was going to ask me to an event, but instead she called it off. I thought it would be better suited that way anyways, and we both agreed on that but I did NOT break up with her! And apparently, when she talked to me, she was scared to tell me that I offended her every once in awhile by some things I said (which she never said what do I still don’t know and it’s fucking killing me), ^because she thought I was gonna blow up at her. Apparently I fucking scared them and I don’t even know I didn’t realize they felt that way and just about a month ago I get this message on top of it like.

I probably should’ve realized I was a piece of shit. I was just like that bitch from high school we all collectively hated. God I’m so fucking sorry…

I thought we were still friends. This is a message I got from them through my old asf Wattpad account that is cringe. That I stopped checking until I saw that post today. They never intended for me to read that message so soon. They even said so themselves but fuck.

I’m sorry, to you both. I know you’ll never see this. But I’m so so so sorry, I didn’t realize.

I’m trying I am TRYING to never do this again but I still do this shit to people, don’t I? I just Fuckin manipulate and hurt them. I can’t just, spout off my trauma or whatever the fuck and shit like that! I know that now and I feel so fucking bad damnit… I didn’t realize I promise I am so sorry.

Why didn’t you say anything? I should’ve noticed, you shouldn’t have HAD to say anything after the fact I should’ve just known. Why can’t I see these things? I never see red flags, I never see my OWN red flags and manipulate tendencies until someone points them out. Why can’t I read social cues and shit?

God I’m trying, but I’m not at all, am I?

I just hate that I didn’t realize! I didn’t break up with her she broke up with me! We both agreed it was better, but I guess she was a lot more hurt by it than she let on and I thought we resolved things but. God fucking damnit.

I can’t ever do this to anyone I REFUSE! I can’t do this, I can’t put this pressure on people ever again, I don’t want to push them away. I never want this to happen again I don’t want to hurt people like this again.

I lost my two closest friends. And I didn’t even fucking realize it.

Fuck I don’t know what I’m going to do. I already apologized like a million times for scaring them with my slight anger issues, but I never actually hurt hurt them physically I didn’t realize I lashed out at them and I didn’t realize I was forcing them to listen to my problems. I thought they were okay with helping me but they didn’t say anything all because they were scared and I just.

I’m fucking freaking out, but I need to calm down. I need to calm down, and just breathe, and everything will be fine. Fuck it’s now 1:14 am I shouldn’t be thinking right now it’s dangerous.

But fucking damnit, I knew I shouldn’t have just dumped all my shit onto them but FUCK.

I need a fucking therapist for that, not my FUCKING FRIENDS.

God what is wrong with me, making my friends my therapists?

Fuck. I lost my friends, I almost have no one left Irl except for this one small friend group, which has drama and way too many sex jokes for me to even want to be IN it anymore. But they’re all I got and we stick together until the end. Most days I don’t mind it, but sometimes I hate being one of the only girls in said friend group.

Fuck I don’t know what to do, I can’t tell my bf about this or else he’ll flip, and I can’t make him my therapist, that’s wrong I was told so! My bf has had it so much worse than I have I shouldn’t be freaking out about this as much, this is nothing compared to what him and so many others have gone through.

But damnit. I DONT have a therapist, not anymore, and I can’t ducking afford one or even talk my parents into helping me get one because as said before they think the process is too damn slow. I can’t fucking tell anyone without feeling bad and knowing I’m a shitty person, because until now I didn’t realize telling people my problems was a bad thing, that asking them to help me out as if they were my fucking therapist (WHICH THEY ARENT AM I STUPID? To just dump all that shit on them without them even saying if it was okay or not?) was a bad thing.

So I’m alone, but that’s fine. I can’t tell anyone anyways so that’s how it’s gotta be and I can live with that. I have for awhile. But I don’t want to be alone. But I’d rather struggle alone than hurt anyone else because I don’t want to lose anyone else, or hurt them, or push them away or scare them like I did with these two.

I don’t want to be w/o my friends. I don’t I really don’t.

I’m never doing that again I promise you I’ll never do it again. I’m so fucking sorry I never realized and I know I’m a piece of dirt shit for not realizing sooner, and for scaring you guys to the point you couldn’t communicate with me w/o fear on your end. I should’ve known and I am so so sorry.

Fuck I even talked to my brother and we have the same timezone I shouldn’t have bothered him. Thankfully he let me go quickly. Fuck I hope I didn’t scare him off either…

(4/14/24) 10:44 pm

I’m so tired. Tired of feeling useless and like a failure. If I fail the people I care about then I am NOTHING. I don’t care about myself, I don’t I just want to make people proud of me. I don’t want them thinking I’m a waste, I don’t want them seeing me the same way I do. Please oh fuck… I don’t want to be a disappointment. I really don’t. I don’t want to hurt people, I want to help them. I feel like an utter piece of shit. I can’t ever talk to my friends about my problems again im not doing that to anyone every again. That’s why this will never be posted, I can’t hurt anyone else with my stupid rants and tendencies. I feel like im manipulating and hurting people by being open with them and I don’t want pity I do not want that, I just want them to know I’m not perfect. And even that is scary because if I am not PERFECT in every single aspect then I failed.

I keep apologizing, sounding like a broken record of an ex trying to get their relationship back but I really am sorry. I talked to my step-father about what happened yesterday concerning my friends. He said that I was one of the nicest person he’s ever met, saying how he knows I try to go outta my way to avoid hurting people but what if he was lying? Cause what if I did say something mean?

I call people idiots and jerks a lot, but I never mean it! I normally mean it in a joking matter but that’s not really nice is it? I’m reeling trying to figure this out and I just want to know what I did wrong so I never do it again. I know not to spout my problems off like I did, I know to watch what I say but how am I supposed to watch EVERYTHING I say?

Fuck I don’t care what I have to do. I’ll do anything, anything to make sure I never hurt anyone like that again. Scaring people, hurting them, it’s so fucking scary to me. I don’t want to do that, that’s the person I aim to NOT be. I wanna help, I wanna heal! Not hurt and scare. I sound like a fucking broken record and it’s pathetic.

I can’t ever post this, it will only make things worse and it’ll only make me feel worse. Because if I post this draft, I’ll be forcing everyone who sees this to be my therapist and I swore to never do that again.

Fuck man. I want help. I’m actually asking for help for once, straight up saying it. But I can’t, the one time I want it, the only time I feel I need it, I can’t ask for it because it’s wrong to do so.

(4/18/2024)

I know that none of my “friends” will be texting me in my birthday this year. I’m not expecting them to text me this year, because I’ve lost all my friends. I don’t think anyone will care this time around. At first I was excited! But getting older isn’t fun at all. People start leaving, start to say things they held back, start to tell you things you didn’t notice before. You grow apart and soon you become alone.

I realize that I should be happy my family is texting me, cause sometimes people’s families don’t even text them. But it’s kinda a requirement, that’s your fam, they should know these things. And most of the time, they wish you happy birthday as an after thought. Friends don’t do that (unless they need to be reminded) but still.

I’m gonna miss those two.

(4/19/2024) 11:31 pm

It’s almost my birthday! Hah. What a cruel joke honestly.

I miss those two so much, every time I see the one who messaged me I instantly go quiet, turn my head away until I’ve walked past them. Fuck, I moved around so much during my elementary school years, those two were the longest friends I’ve ever made.

Everyone already has their best friends.

I’ll always be the outsider.

I really am alone aren’t I? That one friend that never gets invited, that hangs back.

The last one they pick to partner up w in classes kinda shit (which, is also true atm).

I’m alone and it sucks. I miss them so much. I don’t care what that one said, I want them back I just want my friends back.

I want my gossip gals back.

My face to face, same time-zone, Irl friends who I can trust my life with.

I’m losing people left and right. I can’t take it. I’m fucking crying less than 30 minutes before my birthday and it’s pathetic.

People are without families, without homes, and I’m crying over this?

Fuckin stupid…

[dewdroppdraws]

Hi I’m new to tumblr so I’m not sure how you normally post on here but I wanted to try posting some sketches of earth from tsams! I’m not the best with anatomy so I won’t lie I did trace over some photos (REAL PHOTOS NOT ART) I found on Pinterest and modified the proportions to fit my design, but I’m trying to improve lol. For now I just rlly wanted to flesh out my design for earth which I couldn’t do while my anatomy looked like crap 😭 all the full body ones I used references for but the one in the right corner was all me so I’ve got that to my name at least 💪 I’ll include my “reference” pictures as well :> and below the pics is an explanation of the design because I love to gush about this kind of thing. Fair warning, it’s pretty long LMAO

Hehe now it’s time for me to gush about my lil design 😈

So the first major difference you probably noticed (aside from body shape) is the very fluffy clothing I have her in. The leg warmers and��� fingerless gloves? Leg warmers that she put on her arms? Idk what the arm ones are called but yk what I’m talking about lol. When I first noticed earths little rainbow headband my brain immediately said “80’s workout videos”. The big hair, the rainbow headband, it just immediately jumped ot at me and stuck. I decided to give her oversized leg warmers in that same rainbow pattern because it made me sad that her actual design doesn’t have the rainbow anywhere else. It’s funky and I like it what can I say.

Next I decided I really wanted her to wear thigh-highs. I personally love thigh-highs and also it gave me an excuse not to think about her leg mechanics. I tend to draw Sun and Moon like ball joint dolls, but it gets a lil funky to draw when they are bending their limbs so having a fluffy excuse to hide them was ideal lol. I decided to go with the bold choice of putting thigh highs and leg warmers on her, which I don’t regret even tho it probably seems like a lot. I might change a few things about her later down the line since these were just basic sketches so don’t worry if you hate it.

I gave her shorts because a skirt just didn’t feel right for her. I feel like a daycare attendant would be very active, even if earth tends to sit with the quieter kids, and a skirt would be very awkward to climb around in. I figured shorts would be good. I drew them like jean shorts since that was the original intention but they could be cloth rather than denim gimme time to think about it 💀

I had a lot of trouble decided whether the thingies on her shoulders were stand-alone or like pieces of hair she keeps up front (probably attached cuz she’s a robot) I decided on making them attached to the bigger floor of hair cuz I thought it looked cutest on the pic with her shoulders up and in front of her face lol.

Onto her chest plate thing, I was considering making it an actual shirt but decided against it. I wanted her to have a crop top bc I love crop tops so I just made it so her chest area was painted like a shirt, and then her middle area was back to her “skin” color, so it’s almost like a crop top but not really…?

Last but not least is her face, I also made that her “skin” color and just put the blue and green as her cheeks! I thought it looked cutest that way. She also has heterochromia cuz when a character has two main colors I really enjoy putting them on opposite sides as often as possible haha. So her green cheek has her blue eye and her blue cheek has her green eye. I know her original model has two blue eyes but this was what I went with.

Anyways that was super long and I’m super nervous about posting this so I’m just gonna hit post and if I find a typo or decide my lil explanation was 4 paragraphs too many I’ll fix it later. Have a nice day whoever is still reading this! :>

[m00ngbin]

HI HI SORRY TO BOTHER YOU BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT I REALLY REALLY LOVED YOUR FANFIC!!! IT WAS SO TOOTH-ROTTINGLY SWEET, I ADORED IT. IT WAS SO CUTE AND I LOVE YOUR WRITING STYLE AND AHHH I LIKED IT A LOT. YOU’RE CHANGING MY WORLDVIEW AND INTERPRETATION OF THE SUZUKIS IN REAL TIME. I LOVED THAT YOU REMEMBERED LITTLE THINGS LIKE THE KITTEN, AND IT FELT LIKE YOU WERE WRITING A REAL KID. IT WAS JUST, IDK IT WAS REALLY REALISTIC AND I FEEL LIKE YOU GOT IT PERFECT. MY FAVORITE SCENE WAS WHEN SHOU AND HIS MOM FIRST CAME INSIDE, I FELT SO BAD THAT HE WAS DISAPPOINTED BUT IT WAS KIND OF FUNNY. And the way you came in with a little bit of angst right at the end? REALLY GOOD. OBVIOUSLY IT WASN’T SAD ENOUGH TO BE ANGST ANGST AND YOU KEPT IT LIGHT, AND I THINK THAT WAS JUST WHAT IT NEEDED. SO GOOD I will be reading this over and over

I do have a few questions about it. How long did it take you to write it? Which scene did you write first? Did you have any inspirations or people you’d recommend? Were there any last minute decisions that you made? If I think of more I’ll send more asks :)

Oh also: I wanted to know, are you ever going to write again? I know it’s the only fanfic you’ve ever written and I can’t imagine how hard writing them is, but I really love your writing style and if you ever did write again I would freak out

And I’m sorry you’ve been getting harassed by anons today

OH WOW HI OH MY GOD? ARGAJSIFHWKDJ YOURE NOT BOTHERING ME AT ALL, I CANT BELIEVE YOU REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS THAT GOOD?? I'm really really glad you liked it, you have no idea how happy this is making me. :DD I was on call with a friend when I got this ask, and she can confirm that I SCREAMED when I saw the notification. I'm glad you thought Shou was realistic, I was really worried about that ajekehej. AND OMG. THAT WAS MY FAVORITE SCENE TO WRITE!! IM REALLY GLAD YOU LIKED THAT ONE

1. It took me maybe two weeks? I'm not 100% sure because it's been a couple months, but that's my best guess. 2. I (shockingly) ended up writing the beginning scene first. Sort of. It was originally a narrative practice I was doing for a class I took last year, but it evolved into me wanting to actually do something with it. 3. Yeah, I did. I'm almost a little embarrassed saying who I would recommend or who inspired me, so I'll comment them after I post this or something like that. 4. Adding the kitten was a last minute decision because I had completely forgotten that the Suzukis had one until LITERALLY the day that I published it

Hopefully I will write again, because I do really like writing. I do have a couple ideas right now, but they're only half-baked outlines and I haven't been able to start on anything because I've been worried about the quality of my writing ajalsifnsk

[amphibimations]

Some thoughts about how I’ve been using color in my WH drawings

So I’ve actually been using color pretty intentionally when I design the outfits for the characters, I’d like to talk about my thought process behind some of it!! A note that these are ideas that i’ve been building on as i’ve read the book, so I haven’t always used them consistently and i’m still building on them as i keep reading more of the book.

1) Cathy and Heathcliff always wear blue

In my first comic, I happened to choose blue for Heathcliff’s outfit. Not for any reason, I just thought it looked nice. Once I started drawing cathy, I decided to put her in blue too because having 2 characters in the same color works as a visual metaphor connecting them. After reading the ‘we share the same soul’ part I realized them wearing the same color constantly works even better, and started making a conscious decision that no other character I draw for WH will ever wear blue, to emphasize that the color represents their connection specifically. I also think this color works really well for them because of the color’s association with weather, sadness, nighttime, and ghosts.

2) Edgar and Isabella wearing green and red

This is a thing that doesn’t have that deep of a meaning behind it but i think its really funny. I chose those colors because i had drawn cathy and heathcliff throwing a red and green book that they hate and so i was like ‘haha. They also hate Isabella and edgar. i should do those colors.’ Also i think it worked out because i will sometimes give cathy more of a cyan-blue which is closer to edgar’s green, and heathcliff more of a indigo-blue which is closer to isabella’s red. I do think the colors I decided to use also speaks to how well the characterization of the siblings was written in their introduction, because just based on their first scene I decided red for isabella because she seemed more passionate and intense, and green for edgar because he seemed more meek.

3) Saturation of colors

This one i havent been consistent on, but i’d like to be more so in the future. And its less of a metaphor and more just because of how dyeing clothes works, but I tend to use more saturated colors for connoting wealth. Which is why, when cathy gets back with her new outfit from the lintons, it is such a deep blue, and why i added more brown to heathcliffs outfit and made the blue a bit faded once hindley started making him work. I mean im using pretty saturated colors for all of the characters right now because this is a cartoony style, but if I do make that graphic novel some day I think i’ll be more consistent with this idea.

4) A Mistake

When i was reading the first few chapters I knew going in that there was a ghost in the book, so when Cathy 2 showed up I thought she might have been the ghost at first. So in my head i pictured her wearing white even after i realized she wasnt the ghost. Even though the book SAYS she’s wearing BLACK…. Cathy 2 im so so sorry i robbed you of your goth girl colors i wont do it again. (i know her dress is probably black because she’s in ‘Official 1800s Husband Mourning’ over linton but come on u cant tell me she wouldn’t be goth if she was living in the modern day.)

5) other colors

I don’t really have a reason for the colors of lockwood, nelly, hindley, or hareton. I just thought they looked nice. Joseph wears blacks and greys because hes boring and mean. Idk i do think blue and orange being opposite colors sort of could work to highlight the difference between Heathcliff and Hareton (being put in a similar situation but having different endings). Like i said im still updating these ideas, haha.

edit: another thought i just had is that it would be so so funny to make the color of edgar’s clothes scheele’s green specifically. Get arsenic poisoned, idiot.

[ashdreams2023]

The umbrella academy season 4 thoughts (contain spoilers)

Let’s start with my top characters this season

Victor

Alison (surprisingly)

Klaus

Didn’t like them much for reasons I’ll explain

Ben

Lila

Five

Neutral about

Diego

Luther

Opinion on each character:

- First off Victor looks extra manly this season idk what it was but it was so good and he was so brave! I’m so proud of him and so glad he got the recognition he wanted from his dad, I like how his character got through the four seasons, his journey was great, he’s one of the most level headed to me personally in the group, he has every right to be angry and tired.

- Alison oh my god she worked this season, she knows she messed up bad and isn’t acting like she didn’t do anything wrong, it’s nice to see that by the end of the day she proved that all she needed was her family, Clare was also adorable, Also her knew powers are cool as shit, this Alison is so much better than season 3 and I’m glad we’re over that version of her

- I can not stress this enough but I’ll never get enough of klaus! It was such a nice touch to make him a germ phobic person and being scared of dying because he couldn’t just come back, him too timid and unlike his…well himself! Also I’m tired of seeing his potential going to waste! He is powerful! Literally he speak and order the dead! What happened?! Like his power is so dope! On a side note I sorta felt sad when I realized he started drinking at a young age to cope with the voices and what he sees

- Ben…Jesus Christ I haven’t liked him since season 3 and I still don’t, I miss the Ben from the first two seasons I used to have a crush on him he was adorable, funny and slightly crazy, plus he was always with klaus they were a duo, this Ben from the sparrow academy was not it and what you mean all of this was his fault? 💀 like yeah you want to be a hero but look to what that lead

- Lila I think she’s cool…her and Diego are badasses, but girl! Tf wrong with you?! Fine do undercover work, you have a right to be your own person you’re not just a wife but god damn did you have to go and be with five! Other than that it was just a mess

- five was so out of character this season, what happened to the overworked, tempered person I loved?! What you mean you fell for Lila because you followed her stupid idea?! And guess what? You got nothing out of it! You got lost for seven years in there, gathered literally nothing and had an affair with your sister in law! they could’ve been creative and pull a human Delors from one of the other timelines and make him a love interest but nope! They had to make it messy and weird

- Diego oh my sweet Diego, his character is so…I don’t know but I never disliked him, he has mommy issues and he’s hella funny without realizing it, also poor him this season, although he’s definitely softened up, it’s adorable that he made himself a family even though it got taken away at the end 💀 also he’s justified for being angry at five, that one bullet scene was excellent though

- Luther, actually like took me tf out that he was working as a stripper omg lol! I almost forgot how slim the actual actor was, he was dumb and funny, and I genuinely wondered where his wife went, he was so ready to go find her at the end of last season 

Overall:

I didn’t hate the final ending, I mean it made sense for that every timeline they stepped in they destroyed, like I’ll miss them to bits, those dumb idiots and pretend season 4 never happened because I gained nothing but a WTF did I just watch moment, and I thought people were exaggerating but it was just not that good…I wished they gave Ben and Jennifer more time so their relationship isn’t solely based on what’s inside them and justice for my man Klaus he suffered so much throughout these seasons.

Anyways at the end of the day these are only opinions and if you like this season good for you babe, enjoy whatever makes you happy 🤍

[clanoffelidae]

I don’t have an updated picture of her but I’ve been working on my lab wolf some more. Idk if I ever shared a picture here to begin with so this is her from a while ago. :)

I had to hide her a while back because we had an important tour group coming by, so I stashed her in that little space you can see behind the paper stand (black thing right behind the wolf) and the broken glass box (white box to the left with the bright orange biohazard trash bags). Because I then put paper in said paper stand I no-object-permanence forgot she was there lmao

She’s made entirely of stuff from within the lab, mostly scrap paper that would need to be shredded anyway, some wooden stir sticks we use to agitate samples (we work with serum but sometimes samples have clots we have to agitate so the serum can be separated out since the clot is stuck to the side of the tube and won’t let the serum separate, horses also tend to have fiber clots that basically hold the serum captive and so we squish it out with the stick before centrifuging), some bits of scrap parafilm that would be thrown out otherwise (we order some liquid media that comes parafilmed shut and normally the parafilm would just get trashed, it’s on sterile media so it’s not contaminated or anything, I would NEVER use parafilm that had been on a sample lmao), and tape :)

My bosses don’t mind bc she’s something I work on very scarcely during short incubation periods I don’t have time to do anything productive with, or for a few minutes at the end of the day etc. For instance the test I currently run has some wash cycles where I put the slides in a basin with some PBS and they sit on a plate that automatically moves in a circle to gently wash them for 3 minutes, then I change out the PBS and let it go for another 3 minutes, then change the PBS and it goes for 4 minutes, then I can continue. This happens twice throughout the test and I’ll use these short periods to finish filling out some paperwork if it’s not done, but if it is then like 🤷 whoever’s running the test will usually just sit/stand there waiting to change the PBS so my bosses don’t mind if I work on lab wolf a little bit during those times. She doesn’t take up much space, I know to hide her from higher ups who might disapprove, and is just a fun little thing for me to do to keep myself occupied and I’m clearly enjoying myself so there’s no reason for them to snip at me. I also do some origami out of scrap paper and they’ve told me to de-clutter before when I made too much and I didn’t mind, it was just something to do to keep my hands occupied, so they know I’ll get rid of her if I have to (albeit not without a fair bit of sadness as I’ve put much more work into her than any of the origami 🥲)

And the only things she’s made of that wouldn’t be trashed anyway are some tape and wooden sticks. We throw the sticks out if we accidentally drop them and she’s the only thing I’ve made with them, and she uses about as much tape as we might use to shut two broken glass boxes to send down for autoclaving, and we send down at least half a dozen a week, so it’s not as if I’m repurposing all of our lab supplies for arts and crafts or anything lmao. So no one really minds as long as I’m not working on her excessively, don’t let her get in the way of work, and make sure to hide her/not work on her when an audit or tour group is coming by.

I call her my lab wolf not just because she’s something I work on at the lab but because she can’t LEAVE the lab due to our rules about decontaminating anything that leaves the lab. She wouldn’t be able to be safely decontaminated so she can’t ever leave the lab. In the lab she was born and in the lab she shall die one day. At MOST if we were moving to a new lab location she might be able to be put in a bag, have the outside of that cleaned, and then unpacked once back in the lab, but I could never take her home or anything.

Sadly I never brought my phone in to get a picture of her during her early stages, this is the only picture I have, but she actually has a jointed spine/tail and a rib cage under there for support! Of course, with all the tape/paper/parafilm on top she doesn’t have much range of movement anymore, but her neck/spine/tail is made of small cut pieces of stir stick taped together, and had quite a good range of motion when naked! The rib cage was both to increase her weight at her center of mass to make her more stable, and so that way I had a good base to work with to help make sure her chest was larger than her abdomen. :) You can still feel some of the ribs if you gently push along her chest, and cab faintly see a shadow of one in front of her shoulder there!

She’s definitely not the most anatomically correct or impressive statue out there but she’s just something I’m doing for fun at work during my occasional down moments where I don’t have the time to start anything else, and I love her :)

[kaysutcliff-michaelis]

Aggretsuko rant after finishing season 5

I may mention things about past seasons so BEWARE SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT

AGGRETSUKO SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT, BE CAREFUL

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Season 5 had me yelling, talking to myself and feeling like I need to start rewatching it right this instant after finishing it so that I can process everything properly. I really want to read comments and reviews about it but I’ll wait until I’m done writing this so that whatever I read doesn’t influence my rant. And don’t expect any order, rhyme or reason here, I can’t be bothered to make this look like a proper text.

THEY FUCKING GOT MARRIED? WHAT? WHAT? EXCUSE ME WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?????

It was incredibly cute and sweet how they just felt it was their time and eloped, no perfect wedding, no cute bride with her dress and no anything, just Haida and Retsuko. Four seasons raging because she wanted to be a cute bride with her wedding dress in a chapel and she ends up getting married at the registry in the middle of the night, who would have guessed! HOWEVER, it makes me sad that we didn’t see more about it. No rings, no family and friends’ reactions, not even a mention about it. This is supposed to be the final season, so the way A LOT of things were left makes me extremely confused.

We don’t know what Haida’s new job is. We don’t know who was behind the truck attack. We don’t know how come there’s a picture of them with Retsuko’s family now. We don’t know what the deal with Tadano, Gori and Washimi is. We don’t know how the stunt worked for OTM’s social media numbers. We don’t know what happened to that guy who offered Haida the construction work. There are so many things we don’t know! Idk, the ending felt a bit lackluster precisely because the second the elections ended the season was over and it feels there wasn’t proper closure for some points.

And why couldn’t we hear Shikabane singing??? ;__; It almost made me tear up how Retsuko offered her the microphone at the end, I was really hoping to hear them singing together.

I could relate a lot to Shikabane throughout the season. Those feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and having to constantly do something to keep your mind occupied so that you don’t succumb to those thoughts have been incredibly present in my life for the last months (going to therapy and relying on my supportive partner to try and get myself out of it), so I totally get where she was coming from and why she acts the way she does until the end. Plus her character design is SO CUTE. The platform shoes, the ribbons, the colour palette! Had me wishing I looked as cool and fashionable as her!

But Haida. OMG HAIDA. THIS GUY NEVER LEARNS. He was making bad decisions during season 4, but THIS. Retsuko is so patient with him, if my partner was ever in that situation and hid it from me that would probably be a deal breaker. Not because of him being jobless and homeless, but because I’d feel he doesn’t trust me and thinks I’m not reliable or that I won’t help him. He gets on my nerves so much, sometimes he’s the perfect ship for Retsuko and sometimes he just self-sabotages to the point of almost ruining his life. Annoyance aside though, I feel like their struggles as a couple are very realistic and I enjoy that. The struggles of all the characters in general are realistic.

AND SPEAKING OF SHIKABANE, HAIDA AND THE WHOLE NET CAFE THING. I was so shocked because literally two days ago I was watching a video by Nekojita vlog (Spanish-Japanese couple who has been doing Youtube for some years now) talking about this topic, women who live in manga kisas either because they cannot afford an apartment (with the money it would get you just to pay rent you have food, showers, washing machines, drinks, internet and a place to sleep if you find a good deal) or because their lifestyle is more suited to this (maybe they work most of the day/night and it is better to rent a booth for a few hours to crash there than be bothering with rent, bills, neighbours and all that stuff). I found the topic super interesting and it was quite a surprise to see it was one of the main points of the season.

The second part of the season threw me off a bit with the whole “suddenly Retsuko is running up for Parliament” thingy, I really dislike politics and it felt a bit like propaganda, it reminded me of this random Modern Family arc in which Claire is running for the council. Despite that, I think some real-life issues that need urgent addressing were mentioned and it would be good if that raised awareness about them in Japan, like how difficult and expensive it is to have your child in kindergarten (me hating politics doesn’t mean I don’t know about how messed up things are there). It also made me feel bad that Manaka and Hyodo kinda sold Retsuko to this creepy Ikari guy just so that they could get free publicity for OTM Girls. And Tadano buying the net cafe so that he can have it for himself??? He left so many people like Shikabane homeless with that move, he could just have remodeled his apartment. Overall this second part had some great moments but some bad stuff that leaves a bittersweet taste for me. And it annoys me that we don’t know who attacked Haida at the end so that Retsuko would quit!! I was so worried that he would die or end at the hospital and in the end nothing really comes out of this event (except for the eloping) and the next day he’s there playing with her (extremely cool btw) like he didn’t get hit by a truck the day before.

Selling Retsuko to Ikari for clout aside, I honestly felt jealous (in a good way) for Retsuko’s support network. I rewatched the whole thing during February so that I would be ready for season 5 and something that really caught my attention was how she gets more and more allies and how much teamwork there is.

Gori and Washimi the best friends ever!

Tadano who saves the day each time he appears, Retsy and him are cut out to be a couple but they sure are to be friends and allies!

Tsunoda and Fenneko being the unexpected wingman team?? They carried so much of seasons 4 and 5.

Anai doing a 180 and going from crazy newbie to someone who legit cares about his coworkers! He has evolved so much thanks to Kabae and his gf!

Director Ton OMG DIRECTOR TON, went from villain to that brutally honest but really supportive person who sometimes seems to know her better than anyone! And his daughters being part of the action of seasons 3 and 4?? And the whole family teamwork at the end of season 4 when they were trying to get the flash drive???? Loved that.

Manaka and the bodyguards making sure Retsuko was safe (Manaka in general with that bat full of nails is super cool). Though she’s still Manaka, 90% of the time I really like her but the other 10% I think she doesn’t care who she has to sacrifice for her idol career... Same goes for Hyodo.

It’s so wholesome to see how much she has evolved since the first season and how she relies on others and her trust is being rewarded.

I don’t really know what to think of her parents though. Her mother seems to have good intentions on the last seasons but in season 2 she’s just the most nosy and meddlesome mother ever. AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON HAIDA’S FAMILY. I honestly feel bad for his mother, she looked so kind and she has to deal with crazy obsessive Juzo and Jiro. So manipulative, so money-centered, I don’t believe ONE BIT, what Jiro said about him not being behind the truck attack. And if he wasn’t him, it was their dad, how else would he know about what happened? I wanted Haida and Retsuko to tell them to shut their mouths and go to hell SO MUCH.

Random, but the Juliana’s references throughout the series gave me life XD The Bubbly Land ad made me crack up.

So no that the series is supposedly over, I think my fave season is season 3. To me it was perfect in every aspect: the plot, the character designs, the pacing, the ending, the soundtrack... Second place is shared by the Tadano arc in season 2 and the net cafe arc in season 5. Then we have the second part of season 4, all of season 1 and the second part of season 5. And finally the beginning of seasons 2 and 4. Not that Aggretsuko has any bad seasons or episodes, but I certainly cherish some more than others.

I said it before but I really think like I need to watch the season again to process everything that happened and gather my thoughts on it. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow or in a few days, maybe not. If this is the end, I want to say that since I watched Retsuko for the first time I have related A LOT to the characters and their situations at different points of my life or regarding different aspects of it. The show has got me through so many shifts and has felt so cathartic when I was done with my job and wanted to death voice all my customers and coworkers. I’m so grateful that this show exists to drop a sea urchin in the desert from time to time and remind us that things aren’t as hopeless as they may seem.

[areamodell]

dropping my lore bc i’m bored and want a recap

i will like always wonder why me and my parents never had a healthy relationship w eachother. idk if it was bc my parents js decided to split up when i was only 4 or what but i kinda never had a good relationship w either of them…🤔

when i was younger (like i said, 4), my parents split up and i wanted to be w my mom more bc i love my mom and when i was around 7 she got a bf and had my brother, wtv. but a year or 2 after having my brother they started having issues and argued literally almost every chance they got and it was bc of smth dumb i swear. and then my mom js disappeared to oklahoma from 2017-2021 and i quite literally didn’t know what was happening. at the time i was living with my dad so yeahhh

and i didn’t like living with my dad bc i was always scared of him and i was always intimidated by what would happen if i got a bad grade and to this day im lowk still scared to ask for help w anything. whether its grades or anything bc when i was in 1st grade my dad wanted me to be an overachiever. so everyday after school i obvi had hw and i sat in the living room w him and he’d help me. i think u can assume what would happen everytime he got mad but if its not obvious, he’d yell, sometimes smack me, and lowk be messing up my hw paper. so like id obviously be scared of him

when my mom came back from oklahoma or wtv i went back w her but the apartment i was living w my step dad, brother, and mom, was literally empty, like they ditched it when my mom came back. and my mom literally went crazy for awhile. and to sum up her crazy was basically going to court often, filing kidnapping papers(cs my step dad took my brother too when they ditched the apartment), and not being able to provide a good childhood since she had no money. so i was an basically an akward 10 year old at the time both scared of my parents. when i was 10 or 11 i was in the car w my mom and she was kinda js talking on the phone and i don’t remember what it was abt but i told her like “i got sa’d by grandpa” and when i told her she was obviously surprised and im time skipping a little but she asked her dad which is the grandpa and overall, nothing was charged bc i had no proof and bc it happend a long time ago when i was 4.

my dad was an overall good guy w a bad temper so yeah when he’d get mad he would be really really mad. but i’m glad he’s a changed guy and i could talk to him sometimes.

my mom is doing okay now too. in 2022 she got a truck driving job so good for her. but i hate that i can’t even have the mother daughter relationship like other girls my age. like yeah i wanna tell her all the drama at school, yes i wannna trust her with my relationship status and who i like, but i can’t without her telling my dad. so BOOM trust a little broken. but it’s so uncomfortable at her house when i go over on weekends because i just feel like a roommate bc she makes me pay for my own stuff. like when we go out i pay for my own food and clothes and wtv, and restaurants too. so i kinda js get sad when i think abt it bc i kinda js wanna be treated like her kid instead of a grown up. and it honestly doesnt make it better that my brother gets her undivided attention and all i get was a good job. not trying to sound ungrateful but yeah. at first when i was able to see her, she tried to bribe me with gifts as if to be won over by it but i js wish i had a childhood.

me and my dads relationship is okay. we arnt close but we talk, but he doesn’t get me like that. like i wish my mom could js listen and give me advice as if we been bsf for years.

[griancraft]

Ok as per my last post. This is Long and very much about my feelings so uh don’t read it if you don’t want to. Also I’m aware I sound genujneky crazy for half of this I’m just really really mentally ill in ways I don’t talk about here at all and now I am sharing them and it’s. A little scary but oh well. The system stuff is the stuff I’m most concerned about right now to be honest bc it effects my day to day and if anyone has any kind words or thoughts on what to do I’ll be happy to listen

Please read my previous post if you’re mad /gen I don’t think I say anything bad here but I have really bad morality ocd so like uhm I am scared to post this!!! Prev post

Also I’m very sorry that the prose is terrible to read and my spelling is shit I have dyspraxia which is a coordination thing and it’s worse rn

The maybe I was boring album came on yesterday while I was cleaning and I had to stop what I was doing and turn it off halfway through because I just couldn’t stop hearing an admission. I wasn’t even sad I was just. So done with it. I still am just kinda like. God I hope Shelby is doing ok with all this being public now. I’m glad she was able to heal like she said and I’m glad she made the video dude.

I almost got his lyrics tattooed if that’s testament to how much I loved his early music. It’s not connecting in my brain that this music that’s been apart of my life for like 4 years and helped me through so much was made by an abuser.

But like, in retrospect you can see it. I can’t bear to delete ycgma off my mp3 player bc I related to his songs so much as an abused lonely teenager but I also can’t bare to listen to it. I learned the fall on my guitar as my final exam and I used to repeat his lyrics to myself to cope with abuse and I wish I could still love these songs. I dressed like his dsmp character bc I thought it made me look cool. Which is lame as fuck to admit now lol

Originally I was planning on pirating them and I like, can’t especially after that manipulative ass statement. How much was an act? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m a bad person because I still kinda do want to listen to that music again. I still want to feel that safe but I know I won’t feel that way anymore.

with dsmp stuff I think I’m going to be still able to look back fondly on it generally and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. The community was what made it and the community is what I loved, and i still do. I don’t think I’m going to reblog art of him specifically but if he’s in it I might. Idk. My policy on dream fanart is if he’s not alone in the art and it’s dsmp or mcc related I reblog so I guess I’ll continue that here. Im sorry if that sounds callous I just. Am not prepared to talk about this so I’m going back and forth

And like. We also have a wilbur factive/fictive and we have for years now and nobody in our system knows how to feel about that. He formed to fill the role of a big brother (I was being heavily emotionally neglected at that point and needed someone to be there for me) and protector from my parents abuse. Obviously, he is entirely separate from his source now bc alters change a lot for me but how we picture him is still wilbur. he’s literally just some guy now but grappling with that connection is fucked up dude it’s weird. He’ll probably further distance himself but it still fucking sucks and I don’t know how to communicate the cognitive dissonance we had to push through bc our brain struggled at first to make sense of how this person who we liked so much that he became the template for a Protector to shield us from the emotional neglect and abuse, essentially, is a terrible person. I’m sorry I know people who aren’t systems, and some who are ngl, will find this fuckibg nuts and I get that but we’re a very very internal person like I just. Kinda am with us as a system a lot and nobody else. It feels like my safe space that I’ve created in my head has been marred. Also. uhm. Our alters speak in distinct voices so it’s bad bad for me rn and we are trying to fix it. I know I know fictives and factives arenttheir source but that doesn’t change that it makes me feel gross. I’m rambling rn I’m sorry. Support Shelby.

[swiftfootedachilles]

Hi! You asked for an ask and I’m always down to ask so…do you have any headcanons about Mickey’s time in Mexico?

wow you managed to ask me about the only thing of this show that i HAVENT rlly thought about so hats off to you

uhhhh okay first, PRE-MEXICO. i think mickey broke out in the first place because he knew ian wasnt gonna wait for him. i think if ian didnt break up with him and dedicated himself to being a prison boyfriend (?) mickey wouldve stayed in. (i also think he wouldve found a skeevy defense lawyer who owes the milkoviches some debts and appealed his conviction bc lets be honest its total bullshit that he got locked away just based off sammi's unreliable testimony. like where the fuck was debby to lie under oath and say mickey was with her the whole time and she saw sammi take more pills than usual and go outside to move things. sorry im losing the plot this is NOT the time to discuss my s6 rewrite.) mikey haf absolutely no reason to stay in prison, stay in chicago, so i think after nearly 2 years of no visits from ian he just gave the fuck up. why not try to escape? hes smart, he can conjure up a decent plan, right? worst case scenario he goes back to prison, which didnt really fucking matter to him bc he was in prison anyway and he just. didnt care anymore.

so, he broke out and contacted ian ina last-ditch effort to get the love of his life back. he knew ian wasnt gonna wait for him, but at the docks hes obviously still shocked to hear ian moved on fast enough to have a boyfriend already. then ian agreed to go to mexico and mickey was SO READY to start LIVING HIS LIFE. he thought that would be IT. him and his lover in mexico at the beach, getting away from all the bad memories of chicago and having a place to START OVER!!! then ian changed his mind last minute and mickey was fucking CRUSHED. AGAIN. and all of a sudden now hes in mexico alone and all his previous plans went out the fucking window because he totally didnt spend the past few days rearranging his plans to revolve around ian being with him.

i dont really think a lot about mickey's time in mexico. i think he was sad. i think he was angry. i think he just did what he could to stay alive and try to move on but he never really didnt. i think he kept his head low and did his job in the cartel and tried to learn spanish but it was too fucking hard so he gave up on that pretty quickly and attached himself to the multilingual members of the gang. i definitely dont think he had a boyfriend. im sure he fucked around with other guys, but i also think he spent more time laying in his shitty apartment that he shared with like 4 other guys trying not to cry too loud thinking about what could have been.

i also dont think he worked for el chapo lmfao sorry to anyone who thinks that but the timeline doesnt even line up. and if he somehow did have a part in taking down el chapo he wouldve been put in witness protection. he probably wouldve gotten killed anyway tho

my dumb ass didnt realize he got a new tattoo until like deep into s10 and i gaslit myself into thinking it was always there LMFAO but i love that he got another tattoo there. i like to think this one was with a clean needle. i dont think this happened in canon, but MY mickey wouldve gotten a tongue piercing! perhaps other ones too. a couple other tattoos, a cartilage piercing, an eyebrow, his nipples. idk. just to change his appearance more. yeah. thats. the only reason.

anyway i think he got back into the US by working with an undercover cop and being a part of a pre-planned drug bust that included him being "arrested" and making it seem like he got extradited to the US only for being wanted. if he wouldve just waltzed into a precinct and said "hey i got dirt on this cartel" his as wouldve been killed so quickly. it needed to be a lot more covert so the other members didnt catch on and get rid of him. i do think eventually they probably figured out he was the anonymous witness whose interviewed were used in trial, which is why when he gets released in s10 the CO tells him the cartel is looking for him. sorry im going all Law & Order here talking about a s6 trial and now a trial against the cartel i need to stop

[ash4prez]

because absolutely NOBODY asked, here’s a list of my top ten favourite warriors characters (SO FAR)

a lot of you are gonna hate me for not including/including certain characters tbh but this is just my opinion

Disclaimer: I’m on Book 1 of Power of Three currently, so these characters are mostly comprised of those from TBP and TNP. i’ll probably make an updated list at some point in the future, but for now this is how it stands:

#10–Longtail. He’s just a good guy tbh. From being a meanie at the start, to choosing not to leave Thunderclan with Dark and Tiger, to being forced into early retirement but taking it like a champ, this guy has just come to be one of my favourite cattos in the series.

#9–Mousefur. The icon, the legend. She’s literally unfiltered and completely rude to everyone without even giving a shit. She’s shown to be very opinionated and headstrong, but also displays a caring side when it comes to Longtail’s blindness. 10/10 character for me.

#8—Ravenpaw. Is there anyone out there who actually dislikes this guy? I genuinely think he is the most chill cinnamon roll ever. He just wants to vibe with his husband in a barn and maybe warn firestar about important stuff sometimes. Even tho he’s a loner, he respects the warrior code and understands the clan ways. He’s just so awesome and i love him.

#7—Stonefur. Yeah yeah i know we only really knew him for a few books, but I just really liked his character. He was really brave and noble, loyal to his clan, generally a good guy. His death was so sad and honestly just the fact that he went down fighting made me respect him even more.

#6—Sorreltail. Omg idk why i like her so much. Just when she was a new warrior and was best buddies with Leafpool made me so happy, and then for her to become mates with Brackenfur (more on him later—) was just a very good ship for me. I just think Sorreltail is cool and generally a nice cat.

#5—Dustpelt. The biggest G in the entire clan. Honestly Dustyboi is so awesome and i love him so much. Like at first i really didn’t like him, what with the way he was rude to Fire and generally an unpleasant guy, but he got so much better and now i stan him.

#4—Tallstar. OK ALRIGHT SETTLE DOWN, hear me out. Reason number one why i love him is that he’s gay and cute with Jake and we love that for him. Reason number two is that he’s actually a decent guy and isn’t passive aggressive and weird like the other leaders are, he just wants to vibe on with his clan and be chill with everyone. Idk i grew very attached to Tallstar throughout the first two series.

#3—Brackenfur. AHHHH where to start with Brackenfur. He’s just an amazing guy honestly. Like he’s chill, gets along with everyone, but also very brave and noble in the sense that he would literally die for his clan. I usually get very attached to the vanilla side characters who have no real plotlines so this is very expected of me, i just really love brackenfur and his character.

#2—Cinderpelt. Not a DAY GOES BY where i don’t cry over her tragic death and the mountains of wasted potential. Fricking Starclan really had to reincarnate her? What was the point of killing her? Ik it probably had something to do with Leafpool being ✨ special ✨ and the only medicine cat, but come on man. Just look at cinder. Look at how cool and awesome she is.

AAAAND COMING IN AT NUMBER ONE ISSSSS *drumroll intensifies*

#1—The most amazing cat ever to be seen, my guy WHITESTORM!!! Honestly come at me for not putting greystripe or squilf in here, idc. Whitestorm for me is an example of what a warrior cat SHOULD be. He was smart, brave, loyal, trustworthy, chill…he literally had no flaws. Like what did man ever do that was controversial? I cant think of anything, i mean correct me if i’m wrong. I just stan Whitestorm and wish he’d been leader istg.

Thanks for reading this ridiculously long rant lol

[webslingingslasher]

HEEYYYY J so idk if we’re talking about this stuff over here but i really need to tell someone about this

ok so thursday august 29 at 3:20 i took the train to like go and hang out with my friend and i arrived at the station and my friend said that she was gonna be late so instead of going outside i stayed in the train station bc outside was too hot, then i saw the most jaw-dropping beautiful guy i’ve ever seen in my life (he kinda looked like andrew garfield which is like my biggest crush ever) and he was so cute and he had brown hair and brown eyes and he wore cute round black glasses and a backpack and he had an android (green flag). and so i went and sat next to him and i swear to god i have never ever seen a cuter guy than him in real life, even tho he had a pretty basic white boy face there was just something about him that idk, and you have to know that i’m like the most shy person ever so i wanted to ask for his instagram but i was too shy but then i thought to myself wow why am i so anxious about this? i’ve never seen this guy, don’t even know his name and he doesn’t know mine so even if he rejects me who cares no one would know anyway.

so i get ready and i was about to ask for his instagram but then i saw that he had earphones in and then like 3 seconds later he went up and took the next train :(

and now it’s 4 days later and i keep thinking about him(cuz he’s so hot 😍) and about this situation bc if i just had the courage (and 5 more seconds) we might’ve been talking rn and also because i like never find guys attractive (and if i do they turn out gay) and i’ve been obsessing over it and it’s so sad i hate being so shy IT’S SOOOOO FRUSTRATING

🍒

okay so basically, STAY DOWN IN THE TRAIN STATION UNTIL YOU SEE HIM AGAIN.